Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”
Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”
“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? A. You don’t look down.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Once there was a nun that rode the bus every night precisely at 8:30pm. she rode the same bus with the same bus driver.And every night she would get off the bus at the same place. Well, one night there was this guy who got on the bus. He noticed this nun sitting there.He started thinking to himself,”
man that nun is really hot!”
And every night for a week he rode the same bus at the same time and he would see this nun.After a week he was really horny because of this nun. So one night after the nun got off the bus he went up to the bus driver. ”
man that nun is hot. I would love to get a piece of ass from her, but I don’t know how to go about doing it.She’s a nun. Do you have any Ideas?”
the man said. The bus driver thought for a moment and said ”
actually yes I do. That nun gets off at the same stop every night and then walks to the cemetary and visits the grave of her mother. If you dressed up and pretended to be God she would do anything you say.”
The man says ”
ok, thanx I’ll try it.”
So the man goes and buys a God costume and goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun to show up.And sure enough the nun showed up.She went to her mother’s grave and knelt down and prayed.The man, who was hiding behind a large headstone, jumps out and says ”
rise, sister, for I am God.”
the nun, frightened by the man, swears. The man says ”
sister, you swear in my presense. What shall we do about this?”
The says I’ll do whatever you want.Please forgive me.”
The man says ”
well if you have sex with me I’ll forgive you.”
The nun agree’s but says ”
we have to do it from behind because I don’t want to loose my virginity.”
The man says ok. So the fucking and as soon as the man was done he rips off his costume and says ”
HA, I’m really not God.”
Then the nun rips off her clothes and says ”
HA, I’m not really a nun, I’m the bus driver!”
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbianï¿½s apartment?
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, “Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that’s come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. “
“Oh Angus … I’ve got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.”
About 5 minutes later there’s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, “My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?”
“Aye,” says Angus. “I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in… “
A pour man and his kid share a bunk bed, one night the man comes into bed with a women the kid is asleep, the pour man says say lettuce if you want it harder say tomato if you want it faster, the women says tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce, the kid wakes up and says dad stop making butties the mayonaise is going in my mouth.
One day a boy named Agaf was incredibly horny. He loved the
queen. Just one suck of those huge firm tits would make him
happy for life. He went to the village elder (wise man) to find
out how to cure his quarms.
“I need to suck the queens breasts,” Agaf said. “How much are
you paying?” the elder asked. “Nothing is free!” “A million
pounds,” Agaf lied. He was going to get the suck and then not
pay becase once he had the suck nothing else mattered. “OK.”
So the elder sneaked into the castle and poured some itching
powder into the queens bra. The itch would last two whole days.
When the queen put on her bra a horrible itch ran around her
breasts. She was screaming all through the night. The pain was
In the morning the king had had enough of the screaming so the
king asked the elder for help, as you do! Everything was going
to plan so far!
“Elder,” the king said. “My wife is in immense pain because she
has got a pain in her breasts.” “I know what to do!” the elder
said. “Go to the hut of Agaf. He is the only one wth the magical
saliva to cure the itch. You will have to let him suck your wifs
breasts for ten minutes and tommorow it will have gone.” The
king wasn’t happy about this but he agreed.
So Agaf was called up and he sucked them for ten minutes flat,
and the itch stopped that night because it only lasted for two
So then the elder called in Agaf and said, “You got your wish.
Now pay me!” “No chance wanker!” Agaf said and walked out.
So the elder thought long and hard for a punishment, something
that would be bad for Agaf. He thought and thought, until he got
it… He would put itching powder in the kings underpants!
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!