02 AM | 27 Feb

Top 17 Excuses for Not Releasing an Album for 20 Years

This is from the Top Five List at http://www.topfive.com. Steely Dan, has just released their first album of new music since 1980.17> Just emerged from the bomb shelter, figuring 20 years was enough time for the noxious fumes of disco to subside.16> It started out as a simple Chinese finger cuff prank, then the next thing you know…15> Hey — traffic in L.A. is a bitch!14> Hunting down that infidel Salman Rushdie not as easy as it sounds.13> “Hey Nineteen” turned out to be more like “Hey Fourteen-and-a-Half,” and there were some, er, legal issues to resolve.12> Spent the last two decades reelin’ in the beers.11> “All I can say is, never get in a pissing contest with Boston.”10> Spent every night of the last 20 years at the Wintergarden, watching CATS. 9> Were waiting for an invitation to join the Traveling Wilburys. 8> Stuck trying to find a word that rhymes with “marsupial.” 7> Been in mourning ever since the Sons of the Pioneers started dropping like flies. 6> Twenty year ban on literate, well-crafted songs recently lifted by UN. 5> Busily supplying sperm for lesbian rock singers like modern-day Johnny Appleseeds. 4> Producer kept insisting on bringing Yoko to the recording sessions. 3> Will to live only recently re-awakened by potent Viagra/Parker Posey therapy. 2> Took a while to convince Mom to park on the street and free up the garage….and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Excuse for Not Releasing an Album for 20 Years… 1> Repeatedly seduced by that wanton temptress known as the snooze button.

10 PM | 26 Feb

Blonde Paints a Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

09 PM | 26 Feb

The burnt blonde!

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt. ‘Sit down and tell me how it happened,’ said the doctor.

‘Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!’

‘Okay, I see…But that’s one ear – what about the other?’

‘They called again!!’

06 PM | 26 Feb

Get weighed

edJoe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.

‘What would you like to do first, Kim?’ asked Joe.

‘I want to get weighed,’ she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.

‘I want to get weighed,’ she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went and because she’d been there before the man guessed Kim’s correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.

Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked, ‘Where to next?’

Kim responded: ‘I want to get weighed,’ but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, ‘How’d it go?’ she asked.

Kim said, ‘Oh, Waura, it was wousy.’

05 PM | 26 Feb

The blonde and the news

One night at a bar, there was a Blonde and a Brunette sipping a beer and watching the news. As they kept watching they saw a older woman standing on the side of a mountain, so the brunette thinks in her head (blondes are stupid, i can trick her) so the brunette looks at the blonde and says……”.I bet you 20 dollars that woman jumps off that mountain”. So the blonde thinks for a second and then agrees on the bet. Sure enough about 1 minute later the woman dives off the mountian. As the blonde was pulling her 20 dollars out of her pocket the brunette looks at her and says…i am not going to do that to you, i watched the news eirler this morning and i saw the woman jump, then the blonde replies well i wathced it earlier to but hell i didnt know the stupid woman was going to jump again!!!!

Chad