09 PM | 10 May

A Cynics Guide to Life:

A Cynics Guide to Life:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…

Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is” group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

ust remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t… you can’t wait to throw up.

11 AM | 27 Feb

Alligator shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Submitted by Curtis Edited by Yisman

09 AM | 27 Feb

2 Crows

Two crows were sitting on a plough handle. Suddenly they spotted a sandwich in the field. They flew down and were delighted to find that it was Bologna! They gorged themselves and flew back to the plough for a snooze. Unfortunately they were quickly awakened by a gunshot as the farmer tried to scare away the crows in his cornfield. Our two friends tried to join the flock but fell down. The moral of this story is, “Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of baloney!”