YO MAMMAS SO DUMB SHE TRIED TO KILL A BIRD BY THROWING IT OFF A CLIFF!!
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
“If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”
A man walks into a bar and says, ”Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.” Bartender says, ”You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?” The guy says, ”Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, ”You mean to say, he can drink that much?” ”Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ”That’s amazing!” says the bartender. ”What else can he do? Can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ”Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. ”That’s amazing!” he says. ”What else can he do? Does he talk?” The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, ”Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!”
yo momma so fat she stepped on a dollar and made change
your mama so fat,her belt is the size of the equater
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!” “Wow!” say the other two.”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?””No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”
Q. Who do you never play cards with? A. A cheetah!!
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “What a stud you are!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.” “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife!”
So a guy walks into a bar… OUCH!