A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.
When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75.
“Forget it,” the man says, “you never told me you were a prostitute.” “But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?”
“You won’t get any decent prostitute for that,” the hooker says. She throws the guy out.
Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy.
She comes up to him and says, “See, I told you.” “Look at the kind of trash you’ll pick up for $10.”
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think.”
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
smoke a smoke not a butt fuck a virgin not a slut
Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Greg “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit.”
Submitted by Curtis
a guy in a bar asks for a beer but the bartender says no your way to drunk so the guy goes in the side door and asks for a beer but the bartender says no your way to drunk so the guy goes in the other side door and asks for a beer. nooooooooo more beers says the bartender. so the guy comes in the back door. and the bartender yells at him, nooooooooo more beer. how many bars do you work at asks the guy
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
“If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”
Three guys walk into a bar…the other dukks
A drunken guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The drunk looks up and says, “God? Is this God trying to warn me?”
The voice says, “NO, I’M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.”
What happened when the priest cracked one off at the baptism?
The smell was so horrendous that an elderly member of the congregation had to be taken outside to sit down
An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!”