your mom is like a toilet fat white and smells like shit!
Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Greg “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit.”
Submitted by Curtis
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
“If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”
Two guys are talking in a bar..”My hobbies are huntin’ and drinkin’.” said Art.”What do you hunt?” asked John.”Somethin to drink,”
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!” “Wow!” say the other two.”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?””No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. “Say, how old are you anyway?” the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
“Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.
“Thirteen??? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?” he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh?”
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think.”
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out. “You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I’ll beat the shit out of you…”
The man begins crying. “I’m sorry! Its ruining my life. I can’t sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It’s worrying me to death, please don’t hit me…”
The bar tender takes pity. “Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here’s his card, why don’t you see him?”
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous…
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “Okay, here you go… Wait! Weren’t you that guy who..”
“Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.”
“Well, that’s great. This beer is on the house.”
So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.
“You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!”
“I am! It doesn’t bother me anymore…”
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialled at random..”Salvation Army” came the answer.”What do you do?”asked the man.”We save wicked men and women,” came the reply.”Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night.”
So a guy walks into a bar… OUCH!