09 PM | 14 Feb

Signs that You Have Had Too Much of the 90’s

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”

You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

11 AM | 12 Feb

If cars were *really* like computers

Subject: If cars were *really* like computersWhat if cars really were like computers? You’d have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up… Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline… HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘I can get in through the driver’s side door just fine, but I can’t open the passenger’s side.’HelpLine: ‘How did you try to open the passenger’s side?’Customer: ‘I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.’HelpLine: ‘People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger’s side. Remember, you’re always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It’s more consistent that way.’ HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘How do I turn my windshield wipers on?’HelpLine: ‘There’s a little button on the radio console . . .’Customer: ‘Radio console??’HelpLine: ‘Yes, it’s more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it.’Customer: ‘And that’s the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did.’HelpLine: ‘People are always asking that. You’d think they’d be more familiar with the principles of graphic design.’ HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens.’HelpLine: ‘What model do you have?’Customer: ‘It’s a brand new 1994 Mongoose.’HelpLine: ‘Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?’Customer: ‘I don’t know. Let me find out and I’ll call you back.’HelpLine: ‘Alright, but let me tell you you’ve probably got the small r model. You’ll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse.’ HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘I just called about the car that wouldn’t go in reverse.’HelpLine: ‘Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that.’Customer: ‘It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the ‘Reverse gear option’.’HelpLine: ‘Yes, that’s the option to upgrade to a reverse gear.’Customer: ‘Why don’t they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?’HelpLine: ‘Well, that’s very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our ‘power drivers’.’Customer: ‘How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?’ HelpLine’ ‘Ahem. Well, yes, they’re not a market leader, they’re just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . .’But really, we’re leaving out an important part: HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘My car just caught fire.’HelpLine: ‘I see. And what model was it?’Customer: ‘1994r Mongoose.’HelpLine: ‘Big or small . . .’Customer: ‘ . . . small r.’HelpLine: ‘And your registration number?’Customer: ‘426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam.’HelpLine: ‘And where did you buy your car?’Customer: ‘Fast Eddie’s Sports-o-rama in Glendale.’HelpLine: ‘And what was the name of the salesman?’Customer: ‘I don’t remember.’HelpLine: ‘I see. Are you sure you didn’t steal this car?’Customer: ‘Of course I didn’t steal it!’HelpLine: ‘And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?’

03 PM | 24 Feb

Where am I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said “WHERE AM I ?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’ The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

02 PM | 14 Feb

Too Much Computer Time

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

You start introducing yourself as “lord at pacbell dot net”

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

You check your mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http:// 123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t have a job.

You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01″

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile 🙂

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button

Your computer goes down, you haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

03 AM | 14 Feb

Got No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this “unusual” handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” The guy said, “Now that you mention it, you have no ears.” The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy also noticed, “Yes, you have no ears.” The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy replied “Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.”

Surprised, the man then asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?”

The guy burst out laughing and said you can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any ears!

12 PM | 16 Feb

Error Messages

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples: * Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy? * 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occured?