1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various “toys” can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are “stuck” and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garterbelt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don’t want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office – but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15″ screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on things – hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). Thats it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your “coke” in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can’t keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won’t take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, “I have to let my dog out.”
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it’s proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you’d rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
1. You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
6. The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you, “Really are important to us.”
8. Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “We’re sorry, this store is temporarily unavailable.”
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
Submitted by Curtis Edited by Glaci
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
C: Dos C: Dos RUn Run Dos Run
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch).These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility. Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions. These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time. ARG: Agree to Run GarbageBDM: Branch and Destroy MemoryCMN: Convert to Mayan NumeralsDDS: Damage Disk and StopEMR: Emit Microwave RadiationETO: Emulate Toaster OvenFSE: Fake Serious ErrorGSI: Garble Subsequent InstructionsGQS: Go Quarter SpeedHEM: Hide Evidence of MalfunctionIDD: Inhale Dust and DieIKI: Ignore Keyboard InputIMU: Irradiate and Mutate UserJPF: Jam Paper FeedJUM: Jeer at Users MistakeKFP: Kindle Fire in PrinterLNM: Launch Nuclear MissilesMAW: Make Aggravating WhineNNI: Neglect Next InstructionOBU: Overheat and Burn if UnattendedPNG: Pass Noxious GasQWF: Quit Working ForeverQVC: Question Valid CommandRWD: Read Wrong DeviceSCE: Simulate Correct ExecutionSDJ: Send Data to JapanTTC: Tangle Tape and CrashUBC: Use Bad ChipVDP: Violate Design ParametersVMB: Verify and Make BadWAF: Warn After FactXID: eXchange Instruction with DataYII: Yield to Irresistible ImpulseZAM: Zero All MemoryPI : Punch InvalidPOPI: Punch Operator ImmediatelyRASC: Read And Shred CardRPM: Read Programmers MindRSSC: Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)RTAB: Rewind Tape and BreakRWDSK: ReWind DiSKSPSW: Scramble Program Status WordSRSD: Seek Record and Scar DiskWBT: Water Binary Tree
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”
You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
Martha Stewart vs Me…
Martha’s way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha’s way: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shape pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha’s way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha’s way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha’s way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Martha’s way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.
Martha’s way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.
Martha’s way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.
Martha’s way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up” My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.
Martha’s way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha’s way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.
Martha’s way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”?
Martha’s way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Martha’s way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh.
Martha’s way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Martha’s way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Leftover wine?
Martha’s way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha’s way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha’s way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
“Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea — massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.” — Gene Spafford
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Curtis
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now….”