10 PM | 11 Feb

Help stories from Tech Support

Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

09 PM | 14 Feb

Signs that You Have Had Too Much of the 90’s

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”

You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

08 PM | 13 Feb

There were two kids

There were two kids (both african american) it was halloween night and the two kids the brother and the sister wanted to go out trick or treatting but to do so they had to put on a costume first they dressed up as batman and robbin so they went next door dressed up and their neighbor says so who are you two supposed to be and they reply” batman and robin” she says batman and robin are not black so they go home and dress as raggady Ann and Raggady Andy they do the same they go next door and knock the woman asks the same question and they reply Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy and the woman says but Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy are not black so they go home and they change once more but being frustrated by all the remarks the girl says oh I have an idea take off all your clothes so they do and go next door and knock they woman asttonished opens the door and says oh my! and now what do you say you are ? the kids reply two hershey bars, one with nuts and one without!

07 AM | 18 Feb

Repairs

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

09 PM | 12 Feb

Unintentional MS Humor: [This really happened]

Editor’s note: I usually say, “take it with a grain of salt” but I verified this with the gent who sent it in and I trust him. It happend.——-I had a minor but vexing problem with Windows98 Second Edition in June 2000, so I navigated the MS-Maze(tm) at http://search.support.microsoft.com/. Once I was at a page that looked like it was suitable, I articulated my problem and clicked SUBMIT.I got a nice reply which seemed sensible, but in the end didn’t solve the problem. I let them know that the solution they offered didn’t work. I went on to tell them that the process for getting their suggested solution (separate and apart from the fact that it was useless), by navigating a website with logins and passwords was pretty silly. Why not just send me an email?I got This Reply [typos are left in because it shows this was from a real person who did not use/have a spell checker:> > Delighting our customers is our top priority. We welcome your > > comments and suggestions about how wecan imporve the support > > we provide to you. > >> > We look forward to hearing from you. Heh. If you know me at all, you know I did just that:> Sirs:>> 1) The question was about running a simple DOS progam under Windows. >> 2) I think that it is absurd to have to access a website to get > your answer to my question. >> 3) Your answer to my question is indistinguishable from an email, > and does not look better or easier to understand on a website. >> 4) I feel it is absurd to lock this email on a web page that> requires login and password that I am unlikely to ever use again.> My question was as generic as can be. There is no need to place> the discussion of this issue in a secure environment.> > 5) Your web server refused to recognize my login and my password, 24> hours after accepting them.>> 6) It is my strong recommendation you award this systems designer and > manager, “Dilbert PHB” Certificate for silly non-functional > system of the week.> > 7) Kindly do not recommend that I should use a Microsoft Browser> or email client to access your system.[The login and password worked 24 hours later. They explained that the password database had crashed.]Here is their NEXT reply:> Hello :> > I apologize for the fact that we did not meet your expectations in this > particular instance. My goal as a Manager is to make sure that every > customer receives the service they deserve.>> Please accept my apologies!!Well not being one to let a straight line like that pass I replied:> Hi there Customer Feedback for PSS Customers, good to hear from you.>> Thank you for your kind note. I shall take it in the spirit in > which it was sent.>> Warm regards,>>

06 AM | 15 Feb

If AOL was a city

1. You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5. The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

6. The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you, “Really are important to us.”

8. Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “We’re sorry, this store is temporarily unavailable.”

9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

10. You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

11. You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

Submitted by Curtis Edited by Glaci

01 PM | 21 Feb

Tech Support

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug.] “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

[pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

[clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle –it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]

“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!” [slam]