There was once a holy man who had a horse. One day his friend asked the holy man if he could borrow his horse and he said, “yes.” The holy man said, “Say Jesus Christ to make him go and Amen to make him stop.”
So the friend was riding when he saw a cliff but he couldn’t remember what to say to make him stop. So he said out loud, “Name of the father son holy spirit, amen.” And the horse stopped right at the tip of the cliff and he looked over and said, “JESUS CHRIST!”
Three nuns were standing on a corner one evening collecting for the cause. Across the street there happened to be the local whore house. They happened to notice that Pastor Jones of the Protestant community sneaking into the place and one of the nuns whispered to the others, “If only his flock knew he was going into a wicked place to commit sin…they would be outraged!”
A bit later, Rabbi Rabinowitz was seen sneaking in and the nun said to her sisters, “If only the Jewish community knew their Rabbi was in there committing sin with wicked women, they would be outraged!”
A little while later, Father Flannigan was observed by them sneaking into the same whore house. “Oh dear,” exclaimed the nun, “someone must be very sick in there for them to call the dear Father out at this late hour.”
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the congregation.