01 PM | 15 Feb

Hillary & Newt

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan.

The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.” -Jay Leno

06 AM | 23 Feb

Monica’s Statement is a dandy!

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire… AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial: “I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. “This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. “I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. “Thank you.” Monica Lewinsky.

06 AM | 12 Feb

Clinton’s Ghostly Visitations

One night, George Washington�s ghost in the White House awakened Bill Clinton.

Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom. Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Go to the theatre.”

12 PM | 12 Feb

Monica buys condoms

Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, “I need to buy condoms.”

The pharmacist looked up and asked, “Shall I put it on your bill?”

“No, thanks,” Monica responded. “I prefer to put them on him myself.”

Submitted by Curtis Edited Glaci

03 AM | 14 Feb

Spending His Last Days

How Bill Clinton is spending his last days in office… �Bitch Slapping Al Gore every time he blabs about restoring “dignity” and “integrity�. �Showing George W. Bush around the White House and introducing him to his new employees. �Getting drunk and then bragging how he convinced America that oral sex didn’t count as sex. �Planting hidden web cams throughout White House for his new 24-hour reality website. �Apartment hunting in NYC just in case Hillary isn’t joking about “getting her groove back�. �Surfing EBAY in attempt to get Lewinsky’s stained dress back. �Helping Hillary on her campaign so he’ll get the new house all to himself and make up for all those lost bong hits. �At George W. Bush’s request: cleaning the stains under his desk.