In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan.
The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.” -Jay Leno
Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire… AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial: “I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. “This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. “I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. “Thank you.” Monica Lewinsky.
One night, George Washingtonï¿½s ghost in the White House awakened Bill Clinton.
Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom. Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Go to the theatre.”
Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, “I need to buy condoms.”
The pharmacist looked up and asked, “Shall I put it on your bill?”
“No, thanks,” Monica responded. “I prefer to put them on him myself.”
Submitted by Curtis Edited Glaci
How Bill Clinton is spending his last days in office… ï¿½Bitch Slapping Al Gore every time he blabs about restoring “dignity” and “integrityï¿½. ï¿½Showing George W. Bush around the White House and introducing him to his new employees. ï¿½Getting drunk and then bragging how he convinced America that oral sex didn’t count as sex. ï¿½Planting hidden web cams throughout White House for his new 24-hour reality website. ï¿½Apartment hunting in NYC just in case Hillary isn’t joking about “getting her groove backï¿½. ï¿½Surfing EBAY in attempt to get Lewinsky’s stained dress back. ï¿½Helping Hillary on her campaign so he’ll get the new house all to himself and make up for all those lost bong hits. ï¿½At George W. Bush’s request: cleaning the stains under his desk.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton fire Joyce Elders? A: Because he failed her masturbation course!
A couple of Bill Clinton buddies were talking about what a sweet smile Monica has. Bill replied, “Yes. She has the whitest teeth that I have ever come across.”
How did Bill Clinton get the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National Security Council to agree to bomb the Sudan and Afgahnistan?
He called them all together, stood in front of them and said, “If you do not agree with me, just open your mouth.”
Two of Bill’s sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said, “How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?” The other one said, “It can’t be too far. I think we just passed the tonsils.”
Q: Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine “CLINTONATOR”? A: Unlike a respirator it doesn’t let the patient inhale.