06 AM | 12 Feb

Clinton’s Ghostly Visitations

One night, George Washington�s ghost in the White House awakened Bill Clinton.

Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom. Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Go to the theatre.”

06 AM | 23 Feb

Monica’s Statement is a dandy!

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire… AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial: “I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. “This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. “I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. “Thank you.” Monica Lewinsky.

06 AM | 24 Feb

Presidential Flavors

Ben & Jerry’s New Presidential Flavors

Slick Willie

Double Nut Joy

Subpoenas ‘n’ Cream

Impeach-Mint

Candy Pants

Chocolate Chip Doughboy

Chilly Hillbilly

Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla

Pantsachio Subpoena Colada

Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy

Horny Bubba Crunch

Arkansas Peach

Subpoena Butter Cup

Peppermint Fattie

Captain Cream

Tubby Bubba

Hillary Chiller

Fundraising Coffee

Oval Office Surprise

Arkansas Smoothie

Hyperactive Nuts

Scandalberry

Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo

11 PM | 14 Feb

Advice for Clinton

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, ‘George, you were always wise, what should I do?’ Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, ‘ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER.’ Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he’ll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. ‘Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?’ Again a voice from above answers, ‘WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.’ After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. ‘Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?’After a substantial pause Abe responds, ‘TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER.’

01 PM | 15 Feb

Hillary & Newt

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan.

The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.” -Jay Leno