02 PM | 15 Feb

Christmas Breakfast

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ”I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ”What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, ”O, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

06 AM | 12 Feb

Clinton’s Ghostly Visitations

One night, George Washington�s ghost in the White House awakened Bill Clinton.

Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom. Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Go to the theatre.”

01 PM | 24 Feb

G.W.Bush was very depressed

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, “Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you.” She calls Tony Blair in and asks, “Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?” Tony Blair replies, “It’s me!” So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, “Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?” And Cheney says, “Wow, that’s a tough one. Let me get back to you.” So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, “Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?” And Colin Powell says, “It’s me!” So Cheney calls Bush and says, “It’s Colin Powell.” And Bush says, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

11 AM | 13 Feb

The Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend’s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, “Fred, how’d that pig get him a wooden leg?”

“Well Michael, that’s a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin’, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!”

“And the boar tore up his leg?”

“No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin’ like he was stuck, woke us up, and ‘fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved ’em all!”

“So that’s when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?”

“No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out ‘fore I drownded. Sure did save my life.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?”

“Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.”

“OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?”

“Well”, the farmer tells him, “Shit, when you have a Pig like THAT, you’re not gonna eat all at once!”

08 AM | 22 Feb

Hey Li’l Buddy

A man walks into a bar and says, ”Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.” Bartender says, ”You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?” The guy says, ”Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, ”You mean to say, he can drink that much?” ”Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ”That’s amazing!” says the bartender. ”What else can he do? Can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ”Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. ”That’s amazing!” he says. ”What else can he do? Does he talk?” The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, ”Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!”

05 PM | 19 Aug

Tee Hee Hee…….

There were 101 nuns in a convent, Mother Superior and 100 Sisters. One sunday, all of the nuns were kept in after praying. Mother Superior stood before them and announced that there had been a MAN in the convent last night. 99 Nuns went ” Oh no!” 1 Nun went ” Tee Hee Hee!” Mother Superior then went on say that a condom had been found in the corridor. 99 Nuns went ” Oh NO!!” 1 Nun went ” Tee Hee Hee!!” Then, with a smug smirk upon her face, Mother Superior said: ” There was a hole in the condom.” 1 Nun went ” OH NO!!!” 99 Nuns went ” Tee Hee Hee!!!”

02 AM | 13 Feb

The Top 17 Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part II)

17> American Kennel Club Approves “Freedom Poodle” Name Change

16> Father of 12 Charged With Eating Children

15> Local Dingo Breaks World Record in Baby-Eating Competition

14> Teens Most Likely to Become Roadkill; Elderly Close Second

13> Fluffy Accused of “Going Outside the Box”

12> Tiger Dominates Masters, Arrested at Dinner

11> President Claims: “I Did Not Have Sex With That Leg”

10> Elephants Denied Vote in Democratic Primary

9> MASTER RETURNS! Abandoned Rover Excited, Hungry

8> Roy Attacker: “Evil Dictator Had to Go”

7> Authorities Question Siamese Immigrant as Koi-Pond Murder Spree Enters Third Week

6> Farmer Jones to Mooove

5> Hundreds Injured in Slugville Salt Factory Explosion

4> Countless Canines Defrauded in Fake Ball-Throw Scam

3> REX BAD! (Page 14)

2> Siamese Cats Separated

1> Chinese Soccer Team Scandal: Shih Tzu Hits Fan

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]