03 AM | 20 Feb

Blowjob

Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.

“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m sucking his dick.”

“You know what?” replies Jenny. “It’s exactly the same with my Richard…”

They turn to the third blonde and ask, “When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?”

“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put Chris’s thing in my mouth!”

“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it.”

She says she’ll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

“Whoa!” the first blonde asks. “How did you get that black eye?” “Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she says.

“What on earth for?” the second blonde asks. “I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete’s and Richard’s are so cold.”

08 AM | 14 Feb

Dumb drunk

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, �Bill! Your house burnt down!�

So he runs outside but then he thinks, �I don’t have a house.� So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.

Another guy runs in and says, �Bill! Your dad died!�

And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, �I don’t have a dad�.

So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, �Bill! You won the lottery!�

So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, �My name’s not Bill.�

08 PM | 09 Feb

Lost Sneakers

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?”

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, “Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have anal sex with you.”

They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!” He replies, “OK, let’s check!” He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?”

The father shouts back, “Yes, both of them!”

02 PM | 26 Feb

English Pub Joke

Bar Joke

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: – I reckon he’s an accountant.

Stuart: – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

Dave: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!

The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder . >> Dave: – ‘Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: – Oh! What’s that then?

Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example … Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: – Er… mmm… well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

>> Dave: – It’s in a pond!

>> Suit: – Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

>> Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house ….. built it myself!

Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Dave: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: – Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate (wank) very often?

Dave: – Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

Dave: – How’s that then?

Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

Dave: – I see! That’s pretty impressive … thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

Stuart: – What’s that then?

Dave: – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: – Nope

Dave: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

12 PM | 17 Feb

Bush Research

A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.

G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.

He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.

Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I’m conducting a survey

GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.

Reseacher: Political, sir?

GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?

Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask —

GW Bush: What is this about?

Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.

GW BUSH: I’ve never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?