09 AM | 13 May

In the family

For three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.

The last time he’d finally managed to score with the landlord’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried.

“I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician.”

Submitted by calamjo Edited by dolly04

07 AM | 11 Feb

Lunch time…………..mmm…………………….(by amanda)

One day there were three guys, a blond a black and a brown head. these three guys worked on top of a relly high building. there wifes always packed there lunches for them. they packed them a apple a juice box and a penut butter sand witch. now these three guys got penut butter sandwitches for 2 weeks straight so one day they all made a promise that if they got penut butter sandwithces the next day they would jump and kill them selfs of the building! the next day srue anofe there was a penut butter sandwithce in each lunch box. the brown hair said let there be peace in the world and jumed of the bulding. the black hair one said same here. the blondy said hey it seems to be a trend and i promised so here it gose and he jumped. the next day the boss went to the funarils the boss said why are you cring? brown hairs wife said why did i pack him a penut butter sandwith why? the boss gose to the black hairs funaril and see the wife crying and the boss said y r u cring? y did i pack him a penut better sand witch y? the boss gose up to the blonds wife and sees her laughting and the boss says why are you laughing your hushband just killed him self the wife said ya but he packed his own lunch ahahahahahahahahaha

07 AM | 13 Feb

Royal Flush

Princess Di and Dolly parden have both died and are waiting to go through the gates of heaven when God comes out and says that there has been a mistake and only one of them gets in so God says why don’t both of you tell me about your self and I will decide who gets in so Dolly puts her chest high and says well God I do have a pretty nice pair, Di stands infront and says yes God Dolly does have a nice pair, but I just douched and a Rolal Flush beats a pair…

12 AM | 11 Feb

Steak ‘n Eggs

There was this fried egg walking down the street in Havana

minding its own business. It hears some noise behind it,

turns around, and sees a crowd of hungry Cubans in the

distance bearing down on it.

It runs away as fast as its little fried egg legs will

go, when it sees a steak. It yells to the steak, “Run

away! Run away! They’ll get you too!” but the steak just

laughs and says, “Shit, they won’t even recognize me!”

09 PM | 12 Feb

Unintentional MS Humor: [This really happened]

Editor’s note: I usually say, “take it with a grain of salt” but I verified this with the gent who sent it in and I trust him. It happend.——-I had a minor but vexing problem with Windows98 Second Edition in June 2000, so I navigated the MS-Maze(tm) at http://search.support.microsoft.com/. Once I was at a page that looked like it was suitable, I articulated my problem and clicked SUBMIT.I got a nice reply which seemed sensible, but in the end didn’t solve the problem. I let them know that the solution they offered didn’t work. I went on to tell them that the process for getting their suggested solution (separate and apart from the fact that it was useless), by navigating a website with logins and passwords was pretty silly. Why not just send me an email?I got This Reply [typos are left in because it shows this was from a real person who did not use/have a spell checker:> > Delighting our customers is our top priority. We welcome your > > comments and suggestions about how wecan imporve the support > > we provide to you. > >> > We look forward to hearing from you. Heh. If you know me at all, you know I did just that:> Sirs:>> 1) The question was about running a simple DOS progam under Windows. >> 2) I think that it is absurd to have to access a website to get > your answer to my question. >> 3) Your answer to my question is indistinguishable from an email, > and does not look better or easier to understand on a website. >> 4) I feel it is absurd to lock this email on a web page that> requires login and password that I am unlikely to ever use again.> My question was as generic as can be. There is no need to place> the discussion of this issue in a secure environment.> > 5) Your web server refused to recognize my login and my password, 24> hours after accepting them.>> 6) It is my strong recommendation you award this systems designer and > manager, “Dilbert PHB” Certificate for silly non-functional > system of the week.> > 7) Kindly do not recommend that I should use a Microsoft Browser> or email client to access your system.[The login and password worked 24 hours later. They explained that the password database had crashed.]Here is their NEXT reply:> Hello :> > I apologize for the fact that we did not meet your expectations in this > particular instance. My goal as a Manager is to make sure that every > customer receives the service they deserve.>> Please accept my apologies!!Well not being one to let a straight line like that pass I replied:> Hi there Customer Feedback for PSS Customers, good to hear from you.>> Thank you for your kind note. I shall take it in the spirit in > which it was sent.>> Warm regards,>>

06 PM | 23 Feb

Attackin’ Trees

There was a police officer sitting on the side of the road, just watching the cars go by when he sees this car. Its is swirving left to right left to right non-stop, cutting cars off every where. So the police man decides to follow it. After some time of the car still doing it he decides its getting out of hand and pulls the car over. He gets out of his car and walks up to the car asking if the woman had a problem. She replies, ” Oh yes Officer. I am so glad you are here. I keep swirving left and right because I keep almost hitting trees where ever I go, so I move but they are over there, they are EVERY WHERE!.” The Police officer looks at her and replies…”Ma’am, isn’t that you air-freshener?”

06 PM | 25 Feb

Allergic

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

“Okay sure. I’ll be right back.”

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

“Why did you do that?” asked the boyfriend.

She replies “Because I’m allergic to chocolate.”

04 PM | 19 Aug

Eel Sex

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day, he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning, Johnny explained everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed too have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick….a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

“Anyway”, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go…I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel…I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went courting on anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats….they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.