09 PM | 15 May

Sober as a Judge

A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of London’s finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.”Charles” she bellowed.”What on EARTH have you been doing?”Thinking on his feet, he replied “Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evening’s excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.”Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that he’d need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.”Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?” she asked.”Well” he replied.”He hasn’t appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but I’ll give him three months in prison for sure.””Frankly Charles, I think you’d better give him six months — he’s shit in your trousers as well!”

03 AM | 14 Feb

Got No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this “unusual” handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” The guy said, “Now that you mention it, you have no ears.” The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy also noticed, “Yes, you have no ears.” The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy replied “Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.”

Surprised, the man then asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?”

The guy burst out laughing and said you can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any ears!

12 AM | 23 Jan

At my University’s Student center

At my University’s Student center Bathrooms: “If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.” In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey “Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance.” Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: “Rest Area Next Right” – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, “If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.”

09 PM | 13 May

Things you hate during a surgery

-“Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?”

– “This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I’ll show him.”

– “Crud, I dropped my contact in there.”

– “Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh.”

– “Don’t worry; it probably won’t happen to this one too.”

– “Let�s cut this, just for fun.”

09 PM | 25 Feb

The convicted blonde

************************************************************************* 3 girls are charged with murder. The first is a red head. She walks into a room blindfolded, where police officers are lined up pointing guns at her. They say ready……aim…….- The redhead points and screams TORNADO!! They all look and she runs away.

The second girl to walk in is a burnette. She is also blindfolded. The police officers hold up their guns and say ready……aim…- the burnette points and yells TIDAL WAVE!!! They all look and she runs away.

The last girl is a blonde. She walks in blindfolded, and the officers raise their guns and say ready…….aim…..- The blonde points and yells FIRE!!!! **************************************************************************

10 AM | 22 Feb

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…