12 PM | 14 Feb

3 frogs

3 frogs walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The receptionist said ” Down the hall to the right and then to the left.” When they got there it was the bathroom. So one of them slept in the sink, one in the tub and one in the toilet. So the next morning the one in the tub asks the one in the sink ” How was your sleep?” ” Good said the one in the sink then they exchanged. Then they went to the one in the toilet and asked him the same thing he said ” It was good but a log hit me on the head and then it stated rainig.

05 AM | 17 Feb

Donkey’s Will Kill U

A guy with a donkey walked up to a psychic and asked about his future. The psychic said, “when your donkey farts 3 times you will die.”

So the man walked along with his donkey and the donkey farted.

The man said” Oh no donkey you mustn’t fart again”.

So they kept on walking and the donkey farted again.

The man said “I can’t take another chance with this”.

So the man then shoved a cork up the donkey’s buttocks. Then the man felt relieved so they continued walking. The donkey farted yet again, sending the cork flying. The cork hit the man’s head with such speed that he was killed instantly.

09 PM | 16 Feb

If You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

12 PM | 19 Feb

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because, Goddammit, I didn’t!”

08 PM | 16 Feb

Animals in a Restaurant

There’s these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night …

The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’

The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’

The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’

The deer says ‘I had a buck last week and I’m expecting a little doe soon’

The giraffe says ‘Well, I guess the high balls are on me then’

05 AM | 15 Feb

Horse and Chicken

So there was this horse and a chicken that lived on a farm. The horse and the chicken were in fact two very good friends. One day the horse fell into a mud hole that he could not get out of. The chicken saw this and said, “What should I do?”,”What should I do?”. and the horse replies,”Go get the farmers BMW and a rope so that you can pull me out”.

So, the chicken runs and gets the BMW and a rope. He drives it back, ties the rope to the horse and the other end to the car. The chicken puts the car in gear and pulls the horse out. “Wow”, the horse said. “Thanks alot out there”.

So one day the chicken falls into the hole. “Help, Help” he is saying.”Go get the farmers BMW and a rope to pull me out!” The horse said, “No need….I just straddle the hole and you hold onto my dick and pull me out” “OK” said the chicken. So the chicken grabs a hold of his dick and is pulled out.

What is the MORAL of the story?

You don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks, if you are hung like a horse.