07 PM | 19 Feb

My Dog Sex…

My Dog Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Spot”, or “Blackie”, or “Fido”. I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to “Sex”. Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he’d like one too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex. I said you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said me too.

One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don’t undersand, I had hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o’clock in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

03 AM | 13 Feb

This little piggie went to the bar

So this pig walks into the bar and orders a beer. He pays, sits there quietly drinking, then orders another. And another. And another and another. This goes one for quite a few hours, and the bartender notices that the pig never visits the men’s room. Finally, the pig gets up to leave, and the bartender asks him how he could drink so much and never visit the bathroom.The pig explains, “Well, I’m the piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home!”

11 PM | 13 Feb

The Chicken Joke

A guy was sitting around his house watching TV when he realized he was pretty freakin horny. So he hoppped into his car and drove to his local bordello(whorehouse). When he arrived, he walked up to the madam and realized he only had a five dollar bill. He looked up pittifully at the madam and asked what he could get for five dollars. After a few moments of thought she replied that she would allow him to have his way with a chicken for five dollars. The man was infuriated and began to walk back to his car when the feeling hit him again. He turned promtly around and went back into the bordello(whorehouse). He agreed sheepishly to scronck the chicken. She directed him down the hall and into the third door on the left wherein stood the ususpecting chicken. The chicken bolted!–The man gave chase! After some time the man caught her by the neck.(it was a HER, this guy wasn’t a pervert or anything)He began to “do his thing” to the chicken. He did it hard!–He did it fast!–Feathers were flying!–Eyeballs were nearly popping out! The next morning the man woke up in his bed and went to work. All day, the chicken commanded his thoughts. Those legs. Those thighs. Those breasts. He bummed a five off his friend and drove directly to the bordello(whorehouse) after work. Walked to the madam handed her the five and asked for the chicken. She somberly told him that the chicken was dead and offered him a front row show with two gorgeous lesbians. He accepted and the madaam lead him down the hall and into the second door on the left where a man was already seated watching this spectacular show. The man sits down beside him and begins to view these two hot lesbians through this thick glass. Our man leans over and whispers to the guy: “Man, this is freakin awesome!” The man’s reply: “Dude, that ain’t nothin’, yesterday there was a guy in there screwin’ a chicken.”

09 PM | 16 Feb

Ricky the Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: ‘I have just the rooster for you. Ricky here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!’ So the farmer took Ricky back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Ricky a little pep talk. ‘Ricky,’ he said, ‘I’m counting on you to do your stuff.’ And without a word he strutted into the hen house. Ricky was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Ricky had finished having his way with each hen. But Ricky didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, ‘Stop, Ricky, you’ll kill yourself.’ But Ricky continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. The next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Ricky lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Ricky. The farmer walked up to Ricky saying, ‘Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.’ ‘Shhhhh,’ Ricky whispered, ‘The buzzard’s getting closer

02 AM | 13 Feb

The Top 17 Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part II)

17> American Kennel Club Approves “Freedom Poodle” Name Change

16> Father of 12 Charged With Eating Children

15> Local Dingo Breaks World Record in Baby-Eating Competition

14> Teens Most Likely to Become Roadkill; Elderly Close Second

13> Fluffy Accused of “Going Outside the Box”

12> Tiger Dominates Masters, Arrested at Dinner

11> President Claims: “I Did Not Have Sex With That Leg”

10> Elephants Denied Vote in Democratic Primary

9> MASTER RETURNS! Abandoned Rover Excited, Hungry

8> Roy Attacker: “Evil Dictator Had to Go”

7> Authorities Question Siamese Immigrant as Koi-Pond Murder Spree Enters Third Week

6> Farmer Jones to Mooove

5> Hundreds Injured in Slugville Salt Factory Explosion

4> Countless Canines Defrauded in Fake Ball-Throw Scam

3> REX BAD! (Page 14)

2> Siamese Cats Separated

1> Chinese Soccer Team Scandal: Shih Tzu Hits Fan

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]