A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of London’s finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.”Charles” she bellowed.”What on EARTH have you been doing?”Thinking on his feet, he replied “Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evening’s excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.”Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that he’d need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.”Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?” she asked.”Well” he replied.”He hasn’t appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but I’ll give him three months in prison for sure.””Frankly Charles, I think you’d better give him six months — he’s shit in your trousers as well!”
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?”
“That’s correct”, responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girlï¿½s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class…and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Profs reply was classic… Totally straight-faced he answered her question, he stated “It doesn’t taste sweet, because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue”.
Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Bell boys accept it as a tip.
-“Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?”
– “This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I’ll show him.”
– “Crud, I dropped my contact in there.”
– “Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh.”
– “Don’t worry; it probably won’t happen to this one too.”
– “Letï¿½s cut this, just for fun.”
For three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.
The last time he’d finally managed to score with the landlord’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried.
“I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician.”
Submitted by calamjo Edited by dolly04
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?A: They both have Bills that are losers.
ur momma is so fat when she wore a black swim suit in the ocean the oil men thought it was a oil spill
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…. And ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So Stumpy says, “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old. If I don’t go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”
They agree and up they go…. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time; still nothing…. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.” And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out…but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don’t fear anything.” After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ”Next,” the professor said, ”you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.”